More Free Write

I hate church.  I hate evangelical Christians.  I go to church, I guess I consider myself an evangelical Christian.  Why the dichotomy?

What is it that I hate about modern day churches and the Christians that go there?  Do I hate all of them?  No.  I hate the ones that act like their shit don't stink.  But it's more that just hypocrisy.  I hate conformity of any kind.  I hate the plaid button down shirt, khaki wearing, fake ass always happy smiling, lifting hands up so glad to be at church they wanna pee, singing songs about how happy they are to be in love with God.  Maybe I just hate happy people???

Do I feel judged?  Do I feel like I'm not good enough to attend their church?  Do I feel left out because I can't for the life of me start yelling "Whooohooo" in the middle of church to tell others how much I love Jesus?  Do I want to wear striped shirts, and have rage inside because nothing at Banana Republic fits me?  Do I secretly want to be in the "in crowd" at church?

I had a really rough time of it at the church that I became a Christian in.  It was 7 years of slow brainwashing and mindfucking you into thinking that grace wasn't free.  It's fucking free bitches, you can't earn it.  None of you can, no matter how many people see you acting holy at prayer meetings, or see you lifting your hands up, and shouting "Whooohooo" at church.  No matter how many people see you praying for others, showing up at Count Me In.  IT'S FREE!!!

More on this later, for sure.  It's funny how certain people's faces pop up in my head as I am writing this down.  Man I wish I could just knock some people out, just for the fuck of it.  Just knock the shit out of them and say, "Shut the fuck up and wake up!"  This is the real world, have you ever experienced pain outside of your safe little bubble.  Have you ever truly ever had to work for anything?  Not everyone has a doctor for a father that gives them shit for free.  Not everyone can afford a fucking $100,000 remodel on just your fucking kitchen.  But I am envious of those drawers that close themselves and make no noise.  Wish I had those...fuck you!

Free Write

Remembering the feeling of waking up in a strange bed.  Being dragged away sometimes in the middle of the night to find sanctuary, always from my father.  Why he chose to hurt his own family to this day I will never understand.  I remember him punching her face.  The sound of flesh hitting flesh is one of the most sickening sounds you can ever hear.  Especially when it's a woman's face.  Countless times I had been on the receiving end.  

But having to move around and sleep in a strange environment, how many times have I experienced this throughout my childhood.  Friend's houses, foster homes, group homes...perhaps that's why I hate sleeping at hotels and prefer the comfort of my own bed.

I was only a child.  I didn't fully comprehend what was going on.  I just remember the feeling of lying in a strange new bed for the first time, often not able to sleep, just looking around the room at the strange new environment.  I just remember the feeling in my stomach.  Sort of a pain, a queasiness, a hopeless feeling.  I still get that feelings from time to time.  I hate that feeling.

I got that feeling the other day.  It was 10pm and I was craving some tacos.  So I went for a late run to Taco Bell.  I get in my car and it didn't turn.  It always turns.  Dead battery.  I had to call a friend and get a jump and swap out the battery.  I don't know why but this unexpected event should have been nothing, but it really bothered me and made me feel this same pain in my stomach I felt as a child.  I felt helpless and really depressed over this small unforeseen event.  I can't really understand what about it made me feel this way???

More food for thought, this must be why I love routine.  It's comforting to know what you are going to do tomorrow and the day after.  I hate surprises, I hate the unexpected.  As a child I hated the new environment.  I hated the new uncomfortable bed.  I hated starting a new school.  I hated making new friends.  Every time I got settled down in one place, it was time to move to move again.  I hated that.

The Works of Our Hands

In that day people will look to their Maker
    and turn their eyes to the Holy One of Israel.
8 They will not look to the altars,
    the work of their hands

There is nothing like desolation to humble people.  Whenever you see a global disaster, you often see people in utter despair looking to the heavens for answers.  Crying out to God in utter desperation.

But when things are good, we marvel at the works of our hand, the towers that we have built, the grand things of life.  We forget our maker, we forget that we are finite beings only here for a blink of a moment.  

Do I have to wait til an earthquake wipes out our city, or I suffer a tremendous loss to look up to God and cry out?  My bones should ache, my heart cry out, my soul anguish in utter desperation for his presence in my life.  

  

Colossians 3:18-4:1

Instructions for Christian Households

¹⁸ Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
²¹ Fathers,do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
²² Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. ²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, ²⁴ since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. ²⁵ Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.

4 Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.

How fitting that this is the passage for today's quiet time.  I haven't done quiet time in months, and then all of a sudden I get this overwhelming desire and I kept muttering to myself, "I need the word, I need the word".

You see things are well with me and they have been for quite some time, and that's when I neglect my relationship with the Lord.   I don't need him during the good times.  

But I've been feeling more and more empty these days and I think it's because I have not been doing what I've been created for, which is praising and meeting with God in the garden.

How fitting this is the passage, because this is another reminder that I can't neglect my wife just because things are well.  Have I been loving her as I should, or have I been coasting on the lazy highway?  

Have I been interacting and teaching my kids or have I been letting the TV do all the parenting for me?  Am I pushing them too much or am I gently and lovingly guiding them?  You know the character of your boys, you have to treat them differently, push one and pull the other.  Remember how you father pushed you away and discouraged you.

God is the ruler of all.  We do have earthly bosses.  Ironically it was my bosses turn to do the dishes this week in our company kitchen.  She didn't do them, so I did them for her.  But I made sure she knew that I did it, jokingly.  But I didn't get as much kudos as I expected.  I knew I should have done it quietly and joyfully as a praise to the Lord instead of trying to get something for it.  Who is the Lord of all?  Who sees all, who rewards for the things unseen.  I've always struggled with this one.  Living for the praise of man, who doesn't want recognition?  But man's praise always comes short doesn't it?  It's flawed, they may come to expect it, they may want to know your reasons, they may take it the wrong way.  It's flawed because we're flawed.

Thank you God for this reminder today.  You are good all the time.       

Linsanity!

Gotta weigh in on this Linsanity. Back on 5/26/10 I wrote a blog about how we will begin to see more and more Asians in professional sports. I mean other than in ping pong and archery.

Here is a little excerpt:

I believe that in the next 10-15 years you will begin to see a lot more Asians entering into professional sports. Parents around my age/generation are no longer instilling this eastern mystical garbage into our kids, that a career in Medicine or Law is the only respectable career. I feel a lot more parents our generation will encourage our kids to follow their passion and support them no matter what they want to do, especially if they want to become a professional athlete.

Perhaps some of the reasons are that we don’t want to suffocate them the way our parents did, but a lot of it has to do with financial stability. Unlike our parents who often had to grind it out every day in their stores or multiple jobs, we have careers. We don’t feel the financial burden and impress upon our kids fear tactics of becoming rich and successful so they can help the family out.

Dr. Harry Edwards a sociology professor at Berkeley argued that African Americans dominated professional sports not because they were genetically gifted, but rather very much like the whole Asians becoming doctors phenomenon, most African Americans were channeled into that career as an only option.

Now I don’t completely agree with Dr. Edwards, but here we are two years later, we are enthralled with a new Asian phenom in the least likely of all places, the NBA. A league dominated by 6’8” black, athletic giants. Even good white players are overhyped and glorified in the NBA.

Now you get this modest, unbecoming Asian guy who looks like a little boy fresh off the boat and even though he is just a mediocre player, Asians all over America are claiming him as their own. We are so starving and desperate for an Asian role model who isn’t a kung fu action star with broken English, that we will desperately grab on to anything that comes our way, Jeremy Lin being the perfect example.

Now I’m not hating on Jeremy Lin, I really do hope the Knicks beat the Lakers tonight. I really do hope that Jeremy Lin scores another double double. When Kobe Bryant was asked about playing Jeremy Lin, he said, “Who is this kid?" said Bryant. "I've heard about him. What is he doing?"

If Lin is exploding against the Lakers, asked another, would Bryant consider guarding him? He cursed softly. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here," said Bryant with the smallest sarcastic laugh.

No doubt Jeremy Lin shouldn't even be breathed in the same sentence as Kobe Bryant as he is no where in his league. But hey for many Asian Americans he’s all we got for now.

God is Our Refuge and Strength

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore I will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

I just got done emailing my spiritual grandmother Nellie. She is a prayer warrior and is always praying for me even though she lives all the way in Florida. I just got done asking her to pray for me to rely on God's strength, and this passage in Psalms was today's quiet time.

It's not like my life is dealing with such grand things like a mountain falling into a sea, although some are. Many times trouble comes more silently like a thief in the night in the forms of addiction or depression. Very subtle, yet the devastation that they leave is almost as destructive as an earthquake.

The holiday seasons are hard, epsecially for those without family. I remember being alone during the holidays with the bottle as my only companion. During those times when we feel we are utterly alone and are at our wits end, we have to trust that God is our refuge and strength.

Too Many Christians, Not Enough Lions

I saw an interesting bumper sticker on the way to work the other day. It read, Too many Christians, Not enough lions. I have to admit that's a pretty good one.

Christians get a bum rap these days. I read an interesting article on Tim Tebow the other day, it’s so fascinating how much buzz this guy is getting. Mostly because he’s winning, but it’s also fueled by his in your face faith in Jesus Christ. It’s funny even the most devout NFL players are telling him to tone it down a little, “You’re making us all look bad here Tim.”

Tim Tebow is under such a microscope I hope he never falls publicly, as the media would have a field day with him. It’s unfair really, in my opinion. I never understood the concept where people think Christians are the most perfect people. I guess there are some that portray a squeaky clean image, but I’ve never personally been to a church service where I felt like I was surrounded by perfect people. Who would want to go to a church like that, even if it did exist???

From what I know of the Bible, Jesus came for the sick. He hung out with prostitutes, the crippled/diseased, tax collectors, women caught in adultery, lepers, cheats, thieves, drunkards, idolaters, and murderers, the unclean and outcasts of society basically. In fact he shied away from the “perfect Christians” of those days, the Pharisees and teachers of the law. He not only avoided them, he insulted them and rebuked them every time he got the chance. He called them hypocrites, white washed tombs, and a brood of vipers. I cannot think of a harsher insult than a brood of vipers, he is basically calling them children of the devil.

What I’m getting at, is that Jesus came for the sinners. When I go to church and look around all I see are sick and hurt people who need daily forgiveness. I’m not saying this is a get out of jail free card and Christians have a license to sin, but I don’t think we are better than any body else. We struggle with the same issues, we are all broken and we live in the same broken world. Most of us come from broken homes, abuse, addiction, violence, you name it. And because of this we have various pathologies, disorders, sicknesses and we come to the great physician for healing.

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17)