I hate church. I hate evangelical Christians. I go to church, I guess I consider myself an evangelical Christian. Why the dichotomy?
What is it that I hate about modern day churches and the Christians that go there? Do I hate all of them? No. I hate the ones that act like their shit don't stink. But it's more that just hypocrisy. I hate conformity of any kind. I hate the plaid button down shirt, khaki wearing, fake ass always happy smiling, lifting hands up so glad to be at church they wanna pee, singing songs about how happy they are to be in love with God. Maybe I just hate happy people???
Do I feel judged? Do I feel like I'm not good enough to attend their church? Do I feel left out because I can't for the life of me start yelling "Whooohooo" in the middle of church to tell others how much I love Jesus? Do I want to wear striped shirts, and have rage inside because nothing at Banana Republic fits me? Do I secretly want to be in the "in crowd" at church?
I had a really rough time of it at the church that I became a Christian in. It was 7 years of slow brainwashing and mindfucking you into thinking that grace wasn't free. It's fucking free bitches, you can't earn it. None of you can, no matter how many people see you acting holy at prayer meetings, or see you lifting your hands up, and shouting "Whooohooo" at church. No matter how many people see you praying for others, showing up at Count Me In. IT'S FREE!!!
More on this later, for sure. It's funny how certain people's faces pop up in my head as I am writing this down. Man I wish I could just knock some people out, just for the fuck of it. Just knock the shit out of them and say, "Shut the fuck up and wake up!" This is the real world, have you ever experienced pain outside of your safe little bubble. Have you ever truly ever had to work for anything? Not everyone has a doctor for a father that gives them shit for free. Not everyone can afford a fucking $100,000 remodel on just your fucking kitchen. But I am envious of those drawers that close themselves and make no noise. Wish I had those...fuck you!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Free Write
Remembering the feeling of waking up in a strange bed. Being dragged away sometimes in the middle of the night to find sanctuary, always from my father. Why he chose to hurt his own family to this day I will never understand. I remember him punching her face. The sound of flesh hitting flesh is one of the most sickening sounds you can ever hear. Especially when it's a woman's face. Countless times I had been on the receiving end.
But having to move around and sleep in a strange environment, how many times have I experienced this throughout my childhood. Friend's houses, foster homes, group homes...perhaps that's why I hate sleeping at hotels and prefer the comfort of my own bed.
I was only a child. I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. I just remember the feeling of lying in a strange new bed for the first time, often not able to sleep, just looking around the room at the strange new environment. I just remember the feeling in my stomach. Sort of a pain, a queasiness, a hopeless feeling. I still get that feelings from time to time. I hate that feeling.
I got that feeling the other day. It was 10pm and I was craving some tacos. So I went for a late run to Taco Bell. I get in my car and it didn't turn. It always turns. Dead battery. I had to call a friend and get a jump and swap out the battery. I don't know why but this unexpected event should have been nothing, but it really bothered me and made me feel this same pain in my stomach I felt as a child. I felt helpless and really depressed over this small unforeseen event. I can't really understand what about it made me feel this way???
More food for thought, this must be why I love routine. It's comforting to know what you are going to do tomorrow and the day after. I hate surprises, I hate the unexpected. As a child I hated the new environment. I hated the new uncomfortable bed. I hated starting a new school. I hated making new friends. Every time I got settled down in one place, it was time to move to move again. I hated that.
But having to move around and sleep in a strange environment, how many times have I experienced this throughout my childhood. Friend's houses, foster homes, group homes...perhaps that's why I hate sleeping at hotels and prefer the comfort of my own bed.
I was only a child. I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. I just remember the feeling of lying in a strange new bed for the first time, often not able to sleep, just looking around the room at the strange new environment. I just remember the feeling in my stomach. Sort of a pain, a queasiness, a hopeless feeling. I still get that feelings from time to time. I hate that feeling.
I got that feeling the other day. It was 10pm and I was craving some tacos. So I went for a late run to Taco Bell. I get in my car and it didn't turn. It always turns. Dead battery. I had to call a friend and get a jump and swap out the battery. I don't know why but this unexpected event should have been nothing, but it really bothered me and made me feel this same pain in my stomach I felt as a child. I felt helpless and really depressed over this small unforeseen event. I can't really understand what about it made me feel this way???
More food for thought, this must be why I love routine. It's comforting to know what you are going to do tomorrow and the day after. I hate surprises, I hate the unexpected. As a child I hated the new environment. I hated the new uncomfortable bed. I hated starting a new school. I hated making new friends. Every time I got settled down in one place, it was time to move to move again. I hated that.
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