Trapped

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

Good words to live by I say, especially for me.

When I quit grad school and began looking for a job I turned down this one job as a counselor in Oakland. Basically my job would have of consisted of hanging out with inner city youth kids all day and being a positive role model. That was it. I turned it down because it only paid $13 an hour, but I often think back on how different my life would be now if I took that job. Of course I had bills to pay and college loans to pay back and that greatly weighed my decision on turning it down, but what a great job that would have been.

I was actually pursuing my Masters in Counseling because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of troubled youth. But I had some personal problems (I was still a troubled youth) and one thing led to another and I ended up quitting. Who knows what would have happened if I took that job. Maybe I would have risen in the ranks and now work as a Director of the youth center, maybe would have gotten sick of the kids, hated the job and ended up leaving anyway. Either way it doesn't matter. I think I am in a good place right now, have a great job and getting a free education. After I finish my MBA, maybe doors will open for me to get a job in a more meaningful company where I really feel like I am making more of an impact in people's lives.

This leads me to my next point. I just watched The Devil Wears Prada last night. I know like a couple years too late. But I really enjoyed the movie. Mary thought it was funny that I liked it, maybe because it was a little femme. But I really liked the message of the movie, how the main character Andy walks away from a life of glamour, staying true to herself and keeping her integrity. It has a very Christ like message, walking the narrow road that only a few will choose to travel.

I think we can all relate because we all sell our soul to the Devil a little bit, even if we want to admit or not. Life changes us, mostly for the worse I think. As we get a couple years of work under our belt we all become a little jaded and more narrow minded. We get trapped in this consumer culture and get defined by the possessions we accumulate. And I do mean trapped in the literal sense, because it's almost impossible to walk away from this world once you get immersed. It's not like you can just walk away from a mortgage payment. Or can you? People often get stuck in a job they hate because they don't want to give up the lifestyle they have become accustomed to.

LSI Personality Test Results

I took a LSI personality test recently and was pretty shocked to discover what the outcomes were. What follows are just a bunch of rambling thoughts. Please excuse the discontinuity.

Humanistic - Encouraging

I scored so low on my tendency to care and encourage people. I thought my score would be higher because I’ve always fancied myself as a mentor/coach but my low score got me thinking. Who do I coach or mentor? Right now, nobody. In college I used to be a big brother, and lead a college small group, so I guess I enjoy aspects of mentoring. But lately I’ve been too lazy to mentor anyone. Mentoring is really difficult because the mentor often gets very little back. But maybe that’s why I scored so low, because that’s not what it’s about. Nowadays I think I coach people to sin rather than do anything positive.

Affiliative

I scored low in seeking out friendships. It makes sense to a degree because I only seek out friendships when I'm extremely bored. I am usually self sustained and can find things to do on my own. But I usually hang out with my friends quite often, so I am confused about the low score. I guess it’s not a constant need I have.

It said that people may find me difficult to approach and I might find myself on the outside a lot. I guess this is true to an extent. I think that’s my stand by attitude, but when I want to, I can also be the life of the party. But people do find me hard to approach. The test said that I need to strike up conversations with people that I normally wouldn’t talk to. That’s just good practice anyway. I’ll try to do that more.

Approval

I have a low to medium need for approval. I do seek approval at times from certain people. But at the same time my rebellious side takes over and says who cares about that person’s opinion. I think when I was younger I wanted approval more, but less so nowadays.

Conventional

Scored at the bottom 25% for following rules and being a “by the book” type of person. That seems right. I don't like rules and look for ways to bend them. I always feel that there are exceptions to rules and there always are. I tend to see things in many shades of gray rather than black/white.


Oppositional

Now this was my highest score in the 95th percentile. It says that I can come across as hostile, mean, and cynical. I am overly critical and negative towards people. I was surprised to find I scored so high in this area. I have to admit I am pretty negative and critical of people. Instead of seeing the good in people I tend to focus on their negative qualities. I gotta stop that.

Power

Scored the 2nd highest. Associate our self worth to the degree in which we can control and dominate others. I think that in the past I was overly forceful and used intimidation tactics in my relationships, but less so today. I do want respect from people though and I want it to be tangible for everyone to see. I am pretty confrontational at times and I can be a bully. I have really tried not to be.

Competitive

Actually tied for 2nd highest score. My drive to outdo and outshine others drives me toward success. I don’t really agree with this. I’m not very competitive at all. Mary thinks I am. One aspect of the competitive personality is it’s not the mere fact of winning, but how one looks or performs during the competition that matters the most. I guess that’s me. I do want to look good in front of others. But who doesn’t really? I think when guys play sports they care a lot about how they look in front of others. That’s why when guys make a big mistake or error they will stay up all night reliving the moment.

Perfectionistic

Scored medium low. I feel that I am pretty low on this score because of my laziness and love of relaxation. But high because I place high demands on myself and others. I hate making simple mistakes, and I often have a hard time confronting my emotion like anger. Until it becomes too much to bear and I blow up.

Achieving

I scored the lowest on this. People who are high achievers usually take pride and joy in their work. The feel they make a difference. I just think work is just work. I really don't have that hunger to be successful or make a lot of money. What the hell is wrong with me?

Self Actualization

Scored in the middle. I feel I am always constantly trying to improve myself. I don’t worry or have too much guilt, but I’m not very energetic and zestful, so maybe that’s why I scored a little lower. I do think that I know myself pretty well. I am the first one to admit my weaknesses.

Earthquakes and a Weird Dream

Man that earthquake scared the hell out of me yesterday. Our whole bed went off the ground. The powers of earthquakes are just unreal. Actually I often get scared at the power of Mother Nature. I feel all big because I weigh 220lbs, but that small 4.7 lifted our whole bed off the ground as if we weighed nothing. Which we do in comparison to the massive power of an earthquake.

I remember the 89 earthquake and how I felt so helpless like a little bitch crawling under my kitchen table waiting for all the aftershocks to stop. It really makes you feel very small. I remember it all too well. I was switching back and forth from the World Series and Brady Bunch, then all of a sudden all of the dogs in our neighborhood just started going crazy. Then the trees started to shake vigorously, and our whole apartment complex felt like it lifted from the ground. I ran under my kitchen table and just waited it out.

After it was over, all the power had gone out. I called up my friend Adam and rode my bike over to his house. I was living in San Jose at the time and as I was riding my bike down Stevens Creek Blvd, it was as if a war had just happened on the streets. All of the shop windows were broken, cars were stuck in traffic, and everyone was in disarray. I ended up spending the night at my friend's house and it was pretty cool because we didn't have to go to school for a while.

On another note, had a weird dream last night. Dreamt that Christian was all grown up around 10, and I felt really sad. I went to a room upstairs and started to cry because I missed his whole childhood. I started to cry because I wasn't going to be able to hold him like I do whenever I come home. I really felt heartbroken, because I never cry.

Space the Final Frontier

Today's QT led me to Google image search some images from the Hubble Space Telescope. I never realized how beautiful and majestic these images are.

Pictures from the Eagle Nebula. These are huge columns of hydrogen with a length of several light years. Many stars are forming inside these columns.

Hubble Space Telescope records the light arriving at Earth from an exploding star.

Sombrero Galaxy is far away at a distance of 28 million lightyears from Earth.

A Black Hole

When I was a little kid I had a fascination with the stars for like a couple months and I remember wanting a powerful telescope. However all my dreams of looking into space were dashed when I realized that I could not afford a nice telescope. I made due with some binoculars for awhile, but quickly lost interest. Since then I have had zero interest in Astronomy, space, or movies/TV shows abut space.

2 Questions

1) If you cut people down even in fun, does it cause negative feelings?

I think it depends on the person and the situation. You should only joke around with your close friends. If you are not that close to someone, you probably shouldn't bash on them. It will most likely cause negative feelings. Also some people just hate to be made light of.

I have been trying to cut down on cutting people down. (<-nice) This is really difficult for me to do as they come so easily to me. Mary says that all my jokes come at the expense of other people, which is true because those are often the funniest. But in the spirit of trying to be more positive I have cut down on it a lot. Some of my friends tell me they like it when I bash on them. And yes sometimes depending on the timing, mood, and person you are hanging around, a little bashing between friends in not harmful. If you do it too much then maybe it starts to get negative.

2) If you hardly ever see your close friends can you really consider them your closest friends?

Some people you just have a history with and whenever you meet, you start off from right where you left off. These friends will always be there when you need them and are always there in the important moments.

But if you live close to your friends and you hardly ever see them how close are you really? It's really sad but most of my closest friends I see very rarely. But the people that I hang out with on a weekly basis, I don't consider to be best friends. Yeah we are close and I think I hang out with them out of convenience because we work together or go to the same church, but it is really contradicting. I'm not saying that the people I hang out with on a weekly basis can't become my best friends eventually. I mean that is the goal of all friendships or relationships for that matter, that you want them to get stronger and closer over time. I'm more talking about my existing best friends who I never see.

That's Not a Goldfish, No That's a Goldfish Cracker

Here is a picture of my beautiful 40 gallon fish tank. I have to say that my fish tank has become my latest obsession. Who knew I would like it so much. I really enjoy going to the fish store and seeing what they have and purchasing new fish. I have developed somewhat of a relationship with my neighborhood fish store owner. His name is Dave, he’s this Chinese guy in his late 40’s who I thought on the phone was a white guy. (I wonder if people ever wonder if I’m a white guy on the phone?)

Yesterday I cleaned my tank for the first time. I got rid of 20% of the old water and put in some new water. I had to treat the new water first with some conditioner to get out the chorine and ammonia. I have this siphon thing that I used to take the old water out, it was pretty cool to use. It can get pretty messy if you are not careful.

I actually betrayed my fish store owner friend Dave, and went to Petco yesterday. For some reason I just wanted to buy some more fish. I ended up getting 12 more fish. 4 Guppies, some Tetras, 2 Mollies, 2 Angel fish, and some others I can’t remember the names of. I have a total of 38 fish I think, so I won’t buy any more for awhile now, as I believe I’m reaching the population limit of my tank. Most people stick to the 1 inch per gallon rule as to the number of fish you can have in a tank. But a lot of people say that you can keep more than that as long as you change the water frequently.

I’m really glad that I didn’t get Cichlids, because my tank has so many varieties of different fish it’s really cool. My tank has so much activity now. I was sitting in front of my tank and just staring at my fishies for like an hour yesterday. Dude, what happened to me? I’m growing flowers, raising fish, going to sleep early, pretty soon I’m going to start wearing adult diapers. Actually if I ever have to wear adult diapers I think I will just off myself. Although the prospect of not having to get up and pee when I drink beer doesn’t sound too bad. I can just sit down watch football whilst drinking beer and when I have to go I can just go. Christian is doing that right now, and he doesn’t seem to mind it too much. Man did I ever get off track.

So yeah, fish=fun.

Here is a picture of my shark.

This is my Japanese fighting fish or Betta. I had a blue one but he died of ick and I think the other fish were stressing him out. Dave sold me this one for half price. I think this one is a little more agressive than the other one. He always chases down my guppies. I think it's because they have really colorful flashy tails, but that's just my opinion. I kind of want to get another Betta just to see them fight each other.

Do I Hate My Family?

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple."

Today's QT made me think about how real God is to me. If for some unforeseen horrible chance that Christian were to die, would I be able to forgive God? Would I be able to get past it and just continue to delight in the Lord and the fact that I will see Christian in heaven someday? I don't know the answer to that. I hope I will never have to face that decision.

Just being a father makes a lot of things in the Bible that much more real to me. I wouldn't ever be able to sacrifice my son the way Abraham did. Do I really love God more than my family? I have to say that it doesn't really show in my life. I am so thankful to God right now because everything is going well in my life. But I know how cruel life can be sometimes and all of this can be turned around in an instant. Will I still be thankful then?

Yesterday in my class I took a personality inventory test. One of the areas that I scored low in was my overall negative and pessimistic outlook on life and in people. Basically I feel that all of us have very little control over our lives. We can try to plan all we want, but whenever life wants to take its cruel turn of events, it will. I am also very mistrusting and very critical of people. Basically I think that all people are inherently no good. So whenever people do something crazy or just let you down, it never surprises me. Some people say, "I can't believe he would do that.", or something to that affect, but I always say, "Why are you so surprised?" Some may call that pessimistic, I call it being real.

If life has always given you flowers and sunshine, and you have a very positive/optimistic outlook on life, then consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If life always throws you lemons and you always make lemonade, then screw you.

Knocked Up

Went to go watch Knocked Up with our small group last night. It was babies night so all the parent's brought their kids. It was so funny the audience was packed with all these parents and their babies. It was pretty cool, but I say if you are going to watch a movie, leave your babies at home.

I don't enjoy watching movies anymore like I used to. Or maybe they just don't make good movies anymore. Knocked Up had its funny moments but overall it wasn't a great movie. Wait to rent this one.

I really like the actor Paul Rudd. He has a very likeable face and even though he plays the same nice guy character in every movie, he's pretty funny. He's one of those guys you can practically throw into any movie or sitcom and he will fit into the cast (Ex. Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin) Take Friends for example, now that is a hard ensemble to come into, but he became a regular (Mike Hannigan) and eventually married Phoebe. I would argue that he even stole the show on a couple episodes. Okay I'll stop guy crushin now. As Pastor Joe would say, "I'm married and I have a kid."

Christian Eating A Lemon

I just had to put this one on my blog, thanks PJoe.

Hey what's that?

What did you guys give me?

What the hell????!!!!!!

Thanks

Our small group and Michael took out Mary yesterday for her birthday. Thanks everyone who came out. We went to Picante. The more I go there the less I like it. I once raved about it, but it has certainly lost it's luster.

Christian is crawling. Actually he is just draggin his body with his arms. We have a hard wood floor, so he just grips the floor with his hands laid out flat and pulls his body along. It's really funny. He has also learned to roll around very carefully on the hardwood so he doesn't bang his head. He sets his head down very gently as he rolls. I guess he got tired of banging his head.

It is so interesting seeing him develop. It's probably only interesting to Mary and I. Actually I've never liked babies or little kids for that matter, but I like mine. I guess that's good. =) A friend of mine brought her baby to work and I had no desire to hold it, but with Christian, I just want to bite him. He also started reaching out for us. Man it melts your heart when he does that.


Mary is going away by herself for a few days. I actually suggested it cuz she's been so stressed lately. I hope she has a nice and relaxin time. And I hope she will return the favor one day when I want to go to Vegas with the boys.

Let's see I have the next 6 days off. I want to:
Go to the fish store
Exchange my knife
Visit the kickboxing studio
Start our taxes
Hang out with Daniel/Jae/Gary
Sleep in and just relax

Happy Birthday Babe!

Today is my baby's birthday. Happy birthday! I really love my family, I am truly happy.

We had our housewarming this past Saturday. We have never had so many people in our house. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it was going to be. Thanks everybody for coming.

Short week this week. Off Wednesday through next Monday. Hell yeah! I will probably go the fish store a couple times and use Pastor Joe' gift card he got me. I really like my tank. I stare at it all day. I decided not to get cichlids because they can't live with any other fish and most of them look the same. I think I will take PJoe's advice and get the puffer fish when I go and maybe one Japanese fighting fish.

Basketball was pretty fun yesterday. It got all intense. I think because Jimmy and Jae have this youth rivalry. I wish I liked playing more. I just don't have a passion for it. On another note I've almost hit a new landmark 220lbs.