Free Write

Remembering the feeling of waking up in a strange bed.  Being dragged away sometimes in the middle of the night to find sanctuary, always from my father.  Why he chose to hurt his own family to this day I will never understand.  I remember him punching her face.  The sound of flesh hitting flesh is one of the most sickening sounds you can ever hear.  Especially when it's a woman's face.  Countless times I had been on the receiving end.  

But having to move around and sleep in a strange environment, how many times have I experienced this throughout my childhood.  Friend's houses, foster homes, group homes...perhaps that's why I hate sleeping at hotels and prefer the comfort of my own bed.

I was only a child.  I didn't fully comprehend what was going on.  I just remember the feeling of lying in a strange new bed for the first time, often not able to sleep, just looking around the room at the strange new environment.  I just remember the feeling in my stomach.  Sort of a pain, a queasiness, a hopeless feeling.  I still get that feelings from time to time.  I hate that feeling.

I got that feeling the other day.  It was 10pm and I was craving some tacos.  So I went for a late run to Taco Bell.  I get in my car and it didn't turn.  It always turns.  Dead battery.  I had to call a friend and get a jump and swap out the battery.  I don't know why but this unexpected event should have been nothing, but it really bothered me and made me feel this same pain in my stomach I felt as a child.  I felt helpless and really depressed over this small unforeseen event.  I can't really understand what about it made me feel this way???

More food for thought, this must be why I love routine.  It's comforting to know what you are going to do tomorrow and the day after.  I hate surprises, I hate the unexpected.  As a child I hated the new environment.  I hated the new uncomfortable bed.  I hated starting a new school.  I hated making new friends.  Every time I got settled down in one place, it was time to move to move again.  I hated that.