Find the Light

 First post in seven years!!! LOL  

“No matter what life throws at her, it can’t win. Even if you lock her up in a room without any opening, she’ll find a way to find the light.”

A quote from this stupid Korean drama I’m watching, When the Cameillia Blooms. It made me tear up. Reminded me of my childhood and how hard the struggle was. It felt like every time I dug up out of the ground to get some light, something else would happen and would pour more dirt over me. 

Somehow I found the strength to go on. It’s a wonder why I never gave up. There’s a theory called Learned Helplessness where animals or people who continuously get exposed to negative stimuli beyond their control (electric shock), when exposed to future negative stimuli in the future will not escape it even when they can move to a different spot where there is no shock. Whereas you put an animal that was never exposed to shock before in that situation, they will move themselves out of danger to avoid the shock. 

The prior animal continuously exposed to shock gives up. They realize that no matter what they do they can’t avoid the pain. And even when offered a way out in the future will not take it. 

For some reason I feel like I have experienced some form of delayed learned helplessness. After my life calmed down a bit and I was not in constant danger, I feel like I’ve gotten lazy and when I come across a situation that stresses me out, I don’t react to it, unless it’s a 9 or a 10 and it kick starts my flight or fight. 

More on this later….

More Ranting???

I just read my last blog entry.  Maybe it was a little too much???  Maybe.  I was definitely more angry than I feel today.  But I don't disagree with the overall message.  I am still feeling very frustrated with church and Christians. 

I just had a conversation with a pastor friend of mine from Cal.  We lived in the same dorms together freshman year, so he got to see the unbridled side of me before I became a Christian (imagine that).  I actually took him to a party with me with some of my high school friends freshman year.  We took Bart down and on the way back from the party, I was so drunk I threw up on Bart.  I didn't just throw up, I wasn't able to even get up so I puked all over myself.  He actually came over with some newspaper and tried to catch it so it wouldn't get all over my shirt, but it did.  

Fast forward 22 years, we’re both married, he's a father of 4, me a father of 2.  He's a pastor, I'm a professional hater.  He was saying that knowing me a little, he thought that my issue was that I held Christians to too high of a standard, and also I hated authority.  He was definitely spot on.  Of course there are some other important issues to consider like spiritual abuse, and some bad experiences at my former church.  But he still hit on some important themes.

Do I hold Christians to a higher standard?  I believe I do.  This may be in conflict with the idea that I believe that grace is free and that Christians should stop acting all high and mighty, but I do believe I hold Christians to a higher standard than unbelievers.  

Christians are people who have taken to heart Jesus teachings and try to emulate him in their walk on this earth.  So when I see Christians not walking the walk and just talking the talk, it bothers me.  It doesn't bother me so much when I see a Christian fail and admit his or her sin and shortcomings.  But as a whole I expect us to be better.  So where am I going with this I seem to be contradicting myself and feel like I am coming to a crossroads in my thought process.  

I think it may stem from my own sin.  I don't have much grace.  Meaning I am not a very forgiving person.  I am very hard on my friends and acquaintances and when I see someone do something that I wouldn't do, sometimes I write that person off.  And it can be the slightest of things.   I have this personal value system of how people should be.  Some of it is biblical and some of it is secular.  And when people stray from this personal adopted belief that I have spent a lifetime adapting.  I usually write people off.  

Something else that bothers me about Christians is that they overcommit themselves to church projects/functions.  They commit themselves to a small group where they go to meet up with other Christians to discuss God, they sign up to participate in whatever capacity to help the church.  While at the same time they neglect their family and responsibilities at home, often leaving it to their partners.  I know that pastors struggle with this a lot, and that is often why pastor’s kids often get so messed up. 

But why would you go somewhere to discuss God for three hours when God is at home with your family.  God is HERE, you can practice being with God and being a better Christian right there in your own house if that is what you are striving for.  I’m not trying to point any fingers, I hope my wife who is probably my only reader, doesn’t think I am pointing fingers at her.   It’s just the way I feel about this whole Christian walk and modern day church culture.  It just seems so backwards and doesn’t make any sense on so many levels to me.   

Modern day churches spend all of their time and resources back into themselves, helping people who are already Christian.  They are like a non-profit company who spends all of their time fund raising just to pay the staff salaries and not actually help anyone.

More Free Write

I hate church.  I hate evangelical Christians.  I go to church, I guess I consider myself an evangelical Christian.  Why the dichotomy?

What is it that I hate about modern day churches and the Christians that go there?  Do I hate all of them?  No.  I hate the ones that act like their shit don't stink.  But it's more that just hypocrisy.  I hate conformity of any kind.  I hate the plaid button down shirt, khaki wearing, fake ass always happy smiling, lifting hands up so glad to be at church they wanna pee, singing songs about how happy they are to be in love with God.  Maybe I just hate happy people???

Do I feel judged?  Do I feel like I'm not good enough to attend their church?  Do I feel left out because I can't for the life of me start yelling "Whooohooo" in the middle of church to tell others how much I love Jesus?  Do I want to wear striped shirts, and have rage inside because nothing at Banana Republic fits me?  Do I secretly want to be in the "in crowd" at church?

I had a really rough time of it at the church that I became a Christian in.  It was 7 years of slow brainwashing and mindfucking you into thinking that grace wasn't free.  It's fucking free bitches, you can't earn it.  None of you can, no matter how many people see you acting holy at prayer meetings, or see you lifting your hands up, and shouting "Whooohooo" at church.  No matter how many people see you praying for others, showing up at Count Me In.  IT'S FREE!!!

More on this later, for sure.  It's funny how certain people's faces pop up in my head as I am writing this down.  Man I wish I could just knock some people out, just for the fuck of it.  Just knock the shit out of them and say, "Shut the fuck up and wake up!"  This is the real world, have you ever experienced pain outside of your safe little bubble.  Have you ever truly ever had to work for anything?  Not everyone has a doctor for a father that gives them shit for free.  Not everyone can afford a fucking $100,000 remodel on just your fucking kitchen.  But I am envious of those drawers that close themselves and make no noise.  Wish I had those...fuck you!

Free Write

Remembering the feeling of waking up in a strange bed.  Being dragged away sometimes in the middle of the night to find sanctuary, always from my father.  Why he chose to hurt his own family to this day I will never understand.  I remember him punching her face.  The sound of flesh hitting flesh is one of the most sickening sounds you can ever hear.  Especially when it's a woman's face.  Countless times I had been on the receiving end.  

But having to move around and sleep in a strange environment, how many times have I experienced this throughout my childhood.  Friend's houses, foster homes, group homes...perhaps that's why I hate sleeping at hotels and prefer the comfort of my own bed.

I was only a child.  I didn't fully comprehend what was going on.  I just remember the feeling of lying in a strange new bed for the first time, often not able to sleep, just looking around the room at the strange new environment.  I just remember the feeling in my stomach.  Sort of a pain, a queasiness, a hopeless feeling.  I still get that feelings from time to time.  I hate that feeling.

I got that feeling the other day.  It was 10pm and I was craving some tacos.  So I went for a late run to Taco Bell.  I get in my car and it didn't turn.  It always turns.  Dead battery.  I had to call a friend and get a jump and swap out the battery.  I don't know why but this unexpected event should have been nothing, but it really bothered me and made me feel this same pain in my stomach I felt as a child.  I felt helpless and really depressed over this small unforeseen event.  I can't really understand what about it made me feel this way???

More food for thought, this must be why I love routine.  It's comforting to know what you are going to do tomorrow and the day after.  I hate surprises, I hate the unexpected.  As a child I hated the new environment.  I hated the new uncomfortable bed.  I hated starting a new school.  I hated making new friends.  Every time I got settled down in one place, it was time to move to move again.  I hated that.

The Works of Our Hands

In that day people will look to their Maker
    and turn their eyes to the Holy One of Israel.
8 They will not look to the altars,
    the work of their hands

There is nothing like desolation to humble people.  Whenever you see a global disaster, you often see people in utter despair looking to the heavens for answers.  Crying out to God in utter desperation.

But when things are good, we marvel at the works of our hand, the towers that we have built, the grand things of life.  We forget our maker, we forget that we are finite beings only here for a blink of a moment.  

Do I have to wait til an earthquake wipes out our city, or I suffer a tremendous loss to look up to God and cry out?  My bones should ache, my heart cry out, my soul anguish in utter desperation for his presence in my life.  

  

Colossians 3:18-4:1

Instructions for Christian Households

¹⁸ Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
²¹ Fathers,do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
²² Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. ²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, ²⁴ since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. ²⁵ Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism.

4 Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.

How fitting that this is the passage for today's quiet time.  I haven't done quiet time in months, and then all of a sudden I get this overwhelming desire and I kept muttering to myself, "I need the word, I need the word".

You see things are well with me and they have been for quite some time, and that's when I neglect my relationship with the Lord.   I don't need him during the good times.  

But I've been feeling more and more empty these days and I think it's because I have not been doing what I've been created for, which is praising and meeting with God in the garden.

How fitting this is the passage, because this is another reminder that I can't neglect my wife just because things are well.  Have I been loving her as I should, or have I been coasting on the lazy highway?  

Have I been interacting and teaching my kids or have I been letting the TV do all the parenting for me?  Am I pushing them too much or am I gently and lovingly guiding them?  You know the character of your boys, you have to treat them differently, push one and pull the other.  Remember how you father pushed you away and discouraged you.

God is the ruler of all.  We do have earthly bosses.  Ironically it was my bosses turn to do the dishes this week in our company kitchen.  She didn't do them, so I did them for her.  But I made sure she knew that I did it, jokingly.  But I didn't get as much kudos as I expected.  I knew I should have done it quietly and joyfully as a praise to the Lord instead of trying to get something for it.  Who is the Lord of all?  Who sees all, who rewards for the things unseen.  I've always struggled with this one.  Living for the praise of man, who doesn't want recognition?  But man's praise always comes short doesn't it?  It's flawed, they may come to expect it, they may want to know your reasons, they may take it the wrong way.  It's flawed because we're flawed.

Thank you God for this reminder today.  You are good all the time.       

Linsanity!

Gotta weigh in on this Linsanity. Back on 5/26/10 I wrote a blog about how we will begin to see more and more Asians in professional sports. I mean other than in ping pong and archery.

Here is a little excerpt:

I believe that in the next 10-15 years you will begin to see a lot more Asians entering into professional sports. Parents around my age/generation are no longer instilling this eastern mystical garbage into our kids, that a career in Medicine or Law is the only respectable career. I feel a lot more parents our generation will encourage our kids to follow their passion and support them no matter what they want to do, especially if they want to become a professional athlete.

Perhaps some of the reasons are that we don’t want to suffocate them the way our parents did, but a lot of it has to do with financial stability. Unlike our parents who often had to grind it out every day in their stores or multiple jobs, we have careers. We don’t feel the financial burden and impress upon our kids fear tactics of becoming rich and successful so they can help the family out.

Dr. Harry Edwards a sociology professor at Berkeley argued that African Americans dominated professional sports not because they were genetically gifted, but rather very much like the whole Asians becoming doctors phenomenon, most African Americans were channeled into that career as an only option.

Now I don’t completely agree with Dr. Edwards, but here we are two years later, we are enthralled with a new Asian phenom in the least likely of all places, the NBA. A league dominated by 6’8” black, athletic giants. Even good white players are overhyped and glorified in the NBA.

Now you get this modest, unbecoming Asian guy who looks like a little boy fresh off the boat and even though he is just a mediocre player, Asians all over America are claiming him as their own. We are so starving and desperate for an Asian role model who isn’t a kung fu action star with broken English, that we will desperately grab on to anything that comes our way, Jeremy Lin being the perfect example.

Now I’m not hating on Jeremy Lin, I really do hope the Knicks beat the Lakers tonight. I really do hope that Jeremy Lin scores another double double. When Kobe Bryant was asked about playing Jeremy Lin, he said, “Who is this kid?" said Bryant. "I've heard about him. What is he doing?"

If Lin is exploding against the Lakers, asked another, would Bryant consider guarding him? He cursed softly. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here," said Bryant with the smallest sarcastic laugh.

No doubt Jeremy Lin shouldn't even be breathed in the same sentence as Kobe Bryant as he is no where in his league. But hey for many Asian Americans he’s all we got for now.