The Strange Wedding

This is so pimp.

(Photo by Jonathan Yeo)

I used to drink because there was pain,

drinking doesn't have the same allure.

My Boys

Bird Infanticide

I'm a murderer.  A dove recently made her nest in between my shoes.  When I first noticed it, it scared the hell out of me.  I was reaching for my shoes and saw this thing in the corner of my eye moving around. 

Anyways we didn't know what to do with it, whether we should call animal control or what.  I called them but they are closed on the weekend.  So I decided to just dispose of it.  I shot the mommy bird with rubber pellet gun like 5 times but it didn't move.  So I shooed it away with a broom and inside of the nest was two little eggs.  

I felt very conflicted about just disposing of the nest so I tried to find a new home for it, but as I was moving it, the eggs fell out of the nest and dropped to the ground.  I wasn't really being very careful with it I had it in a dust pan and was just trying to leave it somewhere.  Yeah I suck.  The mommy bird hung around for awhile and kept coming back to the spot for a few days.  Poor bird.

Berkeley Kite Festival

Went to the Berkeley Kite Festival.  Kid and I were less than enthused.  Long wait in traffic, $10 parking, and a long walk from the car just to see a bunch of kites.  These big ones were cool though. 

Christian watched them for like 10 minutes and then said, "I wanna go home."  We walked around a little bit and went out for some sliced pizza afterwards.  I think the pizza was his favorite part.  Ahhh just like daddy.  

Evil is a Hella of a Drug

I've been told by many people that I am honest in my sharing.  There are people who you meet and they are like an open book, that's me.  Other people you can know for a lifetime and to get any vulnerability from them is like pulling teeth.  Those types of people drive me crazy! 

My prior post was a very honest and quite negative.  I am doing much better now.  Sometimes when you speak from the heart and your heart is not feeling that great you get some grumbling. 

My wife says that the longer she gets to know me she feels more and more that I am really introverted.  I take everything personally and to heart.  I see things not from a holistic worldly perspective, but from my own egocentric POV.  

Another big reason why she thinks I'm introverted is because I feel most at peace and rested when I am by myself rather that with other people.  Some people like to constantly surround themselves with people and that's how they recharge.  Others need some alone time to reenergize and are perfectly happy by themselves.  My perfect vacation is actually staying at home with my family.  It's funny.  Every time I get back from a trip I need a separate vacation from that vacation.  A little unwinding time by myself in comfortable surroundings.    

Anyways Like I said I am doing better, I need to start cutting people a little slack, some might call it grace.  "Where's your grace?" my wife always says.  I don't know, I need to find it.  God help me know the grace that you have given freely to me.  Life is a constant spiritual battle and the devil always tries to take me out with my negativity and love for hatred.  Evil is a hella of a drug.  Like any other drug if you entertain it even a little bit, take a few hits here and there, it will eventually consume you.    

I leave with you with the opposite of evil, my son trying on his little brother's Kaiser beanie.

Maybe I'm the Problem

A long time ago my old pastor gave a sermon inspired by the John Ortberg book Everyone's Normal Until You Get to Know Them.  His basic message was that if you are always blaming others for things, maybe it's not them, maybe it's you.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, well because I tend to externalize negative attributes on others and internalize positive attributes on myself.  Basically I think everyone is weird and I'm "normal".  Which is really ludicrous because I know that I am pretty messed up.  But time and time again I find myself being angry at people because they don't think the way I do, which I have internalized as being "normal".  

There is this societal phenomenon called etiquette or conventional norms and I have formed in my mind what is proper etiquette and what is not.  When someone does not follow what I deem to be proper etiquette I externalize negative attributes towards that person.  You see how this could go on and on and eventually everyone will eventually fail to meet one of my expectations and end up disappointing me.  

Lately I've been feeling like I hate everyone.  Everyone either really annoys me, acts stupid (in my eyes), or fails to meet one or more of the Jin Choi social etiquette rules.  Then I take a step back and go "Whoa!" they're not the problem, I'm the problem, the problem lies inside me.  Can all these people truly be crazy and I be the only sane one?  Can all these people truly be annoying assholes, can all these people truly have no self awareness or social grace in the slightest?  I think the odds are that I'm the one with the problem.  

I don't know what to do with these feelings.  I seem to shy away from all social contact these days.  I am happiest when I am with my family or by myself.  At work I contend with people, well because I get paid for it, but apart from that I just want to be left alone.  Sometimes I go to church and I don't want to talk to a single person and that is a major problem.  When I am driving I want to kill all bad drivers and give them mean stares when I pass by.  Sometimes during major traffic I wish a natural disaster would wipe out a majority of our population saving all the people I care about of course.

I wish I had an older brother or mentor.  I guess what I've always missed in my life was a father figure.  But apart from that  I really wish I had an older Hyung who I can talk to, someone who was a lot more spiritual than me, someone who has been through a lot, someone who really knows me and loves me.  But again I would probably make a crappy younger brother, because I don't like being told what to do and I like being the boss.  I would probably want to show my older brother that I am only subservient towards him out of choice by beating the crap out of him one time, just to show him who was really in control.  I don't know I'm really messed up in the head.