I've been thinking about this a lot lately, well because I tend to externalize negative attributes on others and internalize positive attributes on myself. Basically I think everyone is weird and I'm "normal". Which is really ludicrous because I know that I am pretty messed up. But time and time again I find myself being angry at people because they don't think the way I do, which I have internalized as being "normal".
There is this societal phenomenon called etiquette or conventional norms and I have formed in my mind what is proper etiquette and what is not. When someone does not follow what I deem to be proper etiquette I externalize negative attributes towards that person. You see how this could go on and on and eventually everyone will eventually fail to meet one of my expectations and end up disappointing me.
Lately I've been feeling like I hate everyone. Everyone either really annoys me, acts stupid (in my eyes), or fails to meet one or more of the Jin Choi social etiquette rules. Then I take a step back and go "Whoa!" they're not the problem, I'm the problem, the problem lies inside me. Can all these people truly be crazy and I be the only sane one? Can all these people truly be annoying assholes, can all these people truly have no self awareness or social grace in the slightest? I think the odds are that I'm the one with the problem.
I don't know what to do with these feelings. I seem to shy away from all social contact these days. I am happiest when I am with my family or by myself. At work I contend with people, well because I get paid for it, but apart from that I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I go to church and I don't want to talk to a single person and that is a major problem. When I am driving I want to kill all bad drivers and give them mean stares when I pass by. Sometimes during major traffic I wish a natural disaster would wipe out a majority of our population saving all the people I care about of course.
I wish I had an older brother or mentor. I guess what I've always missed in my life was a father figure. But apart from that I really wish I had an older Hyung who I can talk to, someone who was a lot more spiritual than me, someone who has been through a lot, someone who really knows me and loves me. But again I would probably make a crappy younger brother, because I don't like being told what to do and I like being the boss. I would probably want to show my older brother that I am only subservient towards him out of choice by beating the crap out of him one time, just to show him who was really in control. I don't know I'm really messed up in the head.
3 comments:
wow, thank you for sharing your thoughts. suhee & i have been planning to call you guys. hope to talk to you soon.
Jin, Thank you so much for checking out my blog. I enjoyed your stories very much. I of course, like seeing pic's of the "batchelor trip". You have little trouble being honest. That's the first thing I noticed reading your candid comments on Wayneman's blog.Your honest continues in all your stories. I think that is a true gift. Mary is remarkable in many ways and having a husband whom recognizes that is also a gift to her. These are the obvious attributes that you posess. Your kindness and loyalty to my son will always produce the most wonderful freindship that you may possibly ever know. I say that because I KNOW my son's loyalty and respect runs deep and long toward his chosen. A man's truest calling is the provision to his families needs so enjoy the priviledge. You have many years to come. Now that my children are grown, I miss the honor. By the way, I am honored that you refer to me as MR. Strange but my friends call me Rick.
Rick thanks for your words.
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