The Sin of Forgetfulness

I think one of the gravest sins one can commit is forgetting where you came from. Or put another way, what God has brought you out of. As humans being so full of sin, we are so short focused, always thinking about the here and now that we often forget to reflect on the journey and the trenches of our life.

For the Israelites their sin came out in the form of grumbling. In chapter 16 of Genesis you see them wandering in the desert hungry, and they voice out their complaint to their leaders Moses and Aaron. “ In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."

Now we all know that their memory was very short sighted. They forget they were slaves in Egypt, mistreated, abused and forced to work for no wages. Yet all they can remember was the pots of all you can eat food, which probably didn’t happen all too often.

How often am I like that? This morning while I was driving to work I was listening to one of my CD’s and Boys II Men’s I will get there came on. The lyrics go like this:

I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark
Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart
I have known a pain so deep
But I know my faith will free me
And I'll get through this
I'll find my way again
So don't tell me that it's over
'Cause each step just gets me closer
I will get there

I will get there somehow
Cross that river
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side

I've been in these chains for so long
I'll break free and I'll be there where I belong
Hold my head up high, I'll stand tall
And I swear this time I won't fall
I will do this
No matter what it takes'Cause I know no limitations
And I'll reach my destination, I will get there

Then all of a sudden like a jolt, all of these memories started to rush back to me and tears of repentance started to well up in my eyes.

You see I used to listen to this song over and over again 12 years ago because it spoke to me so. I felt so lost then and felt very much like the Israelites did wandering in the desert. It was safe to say it was the darkest time in my life and I barely made it out. I was in the midst of a 3 year alcohol and drug bender. I was probably drinking 1.75 liters of Whiskey every week. The weekends were full of going to parties and dropping ecstasy, smoking weed, crystal meth, dropping acid. Thoughts of suicide prevailed around in my mind all day. I would often sit in the shower and just let the water from the showerhead pour on me for hours at a time, maybe thinking it had some redeeming effect.

I was going to grad school for counseling at that time. I never told anyone this but I didn’t actually quit grad school, I got kicked out because I was coming to class wreaking of alcohol. My classmates and professors got wind of it (literally) and asked me to take a year off. And so I did. And that year was full of me doing absolutely nothing. Well I am actually selling myself short. I did catch up on every single episode of 90210, and every movie and syndicated television show from the past 5 years that I missed out on, since I was on a media fast for pretty much my whole college career.

I pretty much woke up at 2pm every day, poured myself a cup of Black Velvet whiskey on the rocks and plopped myself in front of the TV all day. Then on the weekends I went out to either a bar or a club to damage my brain even further.

So getting back to my point. During that time, this Boys II Men song came out and it really spoke to me. It spoke of brighter days, hope of a future worth living. And I cried out to God in tears asking for help. And He did. It did take a lot of effort on my part to snap out of it. It was a conscious decision to stop smoking, drinking, doing drugs. The thing about the life of an addict is that you can go on like that indefinitely. You need to decide for yourself to pick yourself up. God will meet you more than halfway, but it takes a lot of effort from the addict to make that change.

So why the tears of repentance in my car this morning? Because I have been grumbling. I have been feeling dissatisfied with my life lately. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and I love my kids, but sometimes, well often, life gets monotonous and everyday starts to feel like the last. And I have started grumbling. Then through this song this morning God gave me a wake up call and reminded me where I was 12 years ago. I was alone, didn’t have anybody to love, didn’t have anybody who loved me. My only comfort was the bottle, and the mind numbing drone of the television. I had nothing to live for, nothing to do, but now I have everything to live for and too much to do.

Don’t get me wrong, life is hard. Life will always be hard, no matter what lot in life you are given. Maybe the routine of looking for that fix or high everyday is replaced by having to walk into the same office everyday and putting in 9 hours. Maybe having absolutely nothing to do and being bored out of your mind is replaced with constantly having to change diapers, giving baths, and washing clothes and dishes, and having no free time to yourself. Maybe you wake up every morning and as you are driving to work you feel like today feels exactly like the day before.

Maybe you need to take a moment. Stop and think about your journey. Don’t remember fondly of the endless pots of meat that weren’t there. Remember that you were a slave, chained, shackled. Remember the pain so deep. Remember what God brought you out of and don’t commit the most heinous sin of forgetting where you came from.